Clean COMMUNICATION
There is no more straightforward way to put it; relationships are complicated. How do we avoid causing any unnecessary speed bumps, conflict, or turmoil? We learn to communicate clearly and effectively.
"Couple Skills" by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg is a fantastic book focused on establishing clean communications while negotiating difficult conversations. They preach these ten commandments to achieving clean communication. Here’s my 411.
What is clean communication? Clean communication is "taking responsibility for the impact of what you say." Clean communication attempts to remove any form of attack, shame, blame, upset, anger, manipulation, ridicule, disdain, lies, or otherwise. It enables your dialogue partner to listen instead of reacting or needing to defend. Clean communication allows you to express your feelings and ask for what you need.
The goal of clean communication is two-fold:
You get your point across (and your needs met)
You maintain absolute respect for your dialogue partner
Sounds interesting, right? Imagine leaving that difficult conversation with a solution or knowing you did your best. Below are ten commandments to achieve clean communications.
The 10 Commandments of Clean Communication
1. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms.
"You're acting so childish right now."
"Maybe if you weren't so emotional, you'd be able to handle this."
"If you got off your lazy a**, it would have been done already."
When you have a heated argument, throwing a real zinger can be very tempting, purposely trying to push buttons. Such zingers aim to point out their flaws and tear down their worth; zingers accomplish this mission at the expense of trust and conflict resolution.
2. Avoid "global" labels.
"You're so self-centered; you only care about yourself."
"You're always so helpless."
There are two ways to criticize someone you can critique their character or their behavior. In critiquing behavior, you're calling out something specific and temporary, something the person can change. But in bashing someone's character, you're issuing a "global" label – a blanket condemnation of who they are; they don't just do bad stuff, they are bad people.
Global labels or these blanket condemnations of one's character are counterproductive; the other person will feel hurt and likely defensive, hindering effective communication. Additionally, global labels about one's character feel impossible to change, "this is just how I am." The person will feel helpless and unable to change their personality. For a better shot at conflict resolution, try to focus on the behavior.
Let's take the earlier examples and reframe the critique, moving away from issuing global labels and reframing the critique to focus on a specific behavior:
"You're so self-centered; you only care about yourself." → "In forgetting my birthday, I felt you didn't think about my feelings."
"You're always so helpless." → "I know you're having trouble figuring out how to hang the picture straight, but I need to finish this paper right now. I'd love to help you tonight."
3. Avoid "you" messages of blame and accusation.
"The essence of a 'you' message is simply this: 'I'm in pain, and you did it to me.' And there's usually this subtext: 'You were bad and wrong for doing it to me.'" When one leads with blame and accusation, it results in defensiveness, a conversation bomb. Alternatively, give the conversation a chance by choosing language that says the same thing differently. Try this: remove "you" messages and replace them with "I" statements.
"You always leave the house such a mess. I hate picking up after you." → "When the house is so cluttered, I feel stressed out."
"You're always late to everything; You are driving me crazy." → "I feel embarrassed when we arrive late to events."
You are not pretending the other person isn't at fault; you are expressing your reaction to a situation. These "I" messages are easier for the dialogue partner to receive and hear and are more likely to elicit an effective response and productive conversation.
4. Avoid old history.
"You're being ungrateful like always. Remember when I spent all weekend cleaning the house before your parents arrived, and you never even said thank you?
"You don't trust me? At least I'm not the one who cheated last year."
Now, this is a tough one, my friends! Often, we bring up the past because we never truly gained resolution over conflicts. Avoid bringing up the past by focusing on the problem at hand, even if it hearkens to old history. Resurrecting old arguments will inevitably catapult your conversation off in a different direction, leaving the current issue unresolved. It is unnecessary to substantiate your current grievance with evidence from your past closet. Instead, try sticking to the present. It's challenging to move forward, to make progress, if you keep rehashing the past.
5. Avoid unfavorable comparisons.
"You're so irrational, just like your mother."
"None of my exes have ever been as clingy as you are."
When being compared negatively to someone else, it sure can sting. Our identities are formed by making comparisons about ourselves to others. So to hear an unfavorable comparison feels like a punch to the gut. Making an unfavorable comparison may provoke feelings of hurt and jealousy. Do they think about someone else? Do I not measure up? Am I as bad as that person? These negative comparisons cut at our sense of worth; they lead to unhappiness, arguments, and increased frustrations.
6. Avoid threats.
"If you're going to act like that, then I'll never talk to you again."
"If you can't get your act together, then maybe we should get a divorce."
"The basic message of a threat is: you're bad, and I'm going to punish you." It's a way of attempting to compel the desired behavior. Threats shut down the discussion; the underlying issue remains unresolved even if it works in the short term and the desired behavior occurs. If the other person complies, they'll only be doing it to avoid the consequences of your threat. If they don't comply, the argument will likely escalate and keep reoccurring.
7. Describe your feelings rather than attack with them.
We all know what it feels like to be the recipient of a good old-fashioned tongue lashing. Not great! A cutting tone of voice can make you feel almost physically hurt. Your feelings and your words can indeed be wielded like a weapon. Instead of raising our voices, keep your voice calm and level. Instead of withdrawing into cold hostility or raging with anger, try to describe your emotions as precisely as possible. In choosing to express your feelings with words rather than physically display them, the other person can hear what you're feeling without feeling overwhelmed or bludgeoned by them. Below are some examples of how to describe your feelings:
"I feel disrespected when you make jokes at my expense."
"I feel angry when you don't abide by house rules."
"I feel hurt when you ignore me when I come home from work."
8. Keep your body language open and receptive.
It is pretty incredible what we can glean from reading body language, posture, and facial expressions. Children as young as six can recognize facial expressions displaying various emotions. Sometimes, our body language more clearly conveys how we feel than what we actually say. You may say you are not angry, but your posture and facial expressions may express otherwise; this isn't a great place to start a discussion.
It is essential to try to be aware of what your body language is telling other people. Physical indications that you may be closed off from a conversation include folding your arms, turning your body away, tensing your jaw, fidgeting, slumping over, grimacing, and rolling your eyes. A relaxed face, eye contact, leaning forward, and listening nods indicate that you are open and willing to engage in a conversation.
9. Use whole messages.
Often, you may think you're getting your message across to the other person, but what results is a big ol' miscommunication. This is called "partial communication" The other person receives different information than you intended to deliver. We have all experienced this, thinking, "It made sense in my head; how was it misconstrued so badly?". "Whole messages" aim to avoid any misinterpretations from taking place.
The Four Parts of Whole Messages:
Observations: statements of fact that are neutral, without judgments or inferences. "The house is super messy," vs. "I've noticed you're a lazy slob."
Thoughts: Your beliefs, opinions, theories, and interpretations or personal understanding of a situation. 'My idea was…I wondered if…I suspected that…I worried that…The way I saw it was…'"
Feelings: Describe your emotions in a specific way that doesn't blame the other. "I'm worried about our budget," vs. "You're spending too much money, and it is stressing me out."
Needs/Wants: Too often, we expect the other person to be a mind reader, but no one can predict what you want; you need to tell them.
Here's an example of a whole message:
1. "We haven't been spending as much time together [Observation]. 2. It seems like you've been busier, and I don't know if that's just because your workload is more demanding this time of year and you haven’t been interested in hanging out [Thoughts]. 3. I'm feeling distant from you and confused about the status of our relationship [Feelings]. 4. I'd like us to be more committed as a couple and know what you think about the future of our relationship [Needs]."
10. Use clear messages.
We learned the difference between partial and whole messages. Partial messages can be misinterpreted, whereas "whole" messages can better convey your intention. Now we will focus on "contaminated" versus "clear" messages. Contaminated messages are when we disguise our thoughts and feelings as something else to disguise the true intent.
"Oh! You've finally arrived, great!"
"Hmm, that's an interesting way to do that."
"Do you really think that's a good idea?"
We use sarcasm or pose a question to pretend we are making a simple statement. Contaminated messages are imbued with negativity and judgment, and loaded with feelings you are not expressing. It is not productive communication or easy for the dialogue partner to receive. Instead, a clear message uses (the four elements of whole messages) observation, thought, feeling, and needs. It would be better to say, "I've been waiting here for 20 minutes. It seems like you struggle to be on time. When I'm left waiting, I end up feeling frustrated and disrespected. Do you think you could make more of an effort to be on time?"
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I hope you find these techniques as interesting and helpful as I do. I sincerely believe that the ten commandments of communication can be applied to all relationships: familial, romantic, friendships, and work-related. Let me know your thoughts!
Please don’t hesitate to reach out to set up a consultation.
xx
Kelly